:: what title ::

:: Monday, December 13, 2004 ::

i am pissed with mitch. i am unbelievably piiiiiissed at how biased dei is. fuck, she's supposed to be my sister. i'm just so disappointed. i really miss pris. i miss being able to confide in someone who wasn't somehow linked to deidre. like with mom, she tells dei stuff. and nan. oh don't fuckin get me started. she tells dad and a.julie and the whole fucking world. i can't talk to ko cos he's always super busy. and dei keeps saying i'm her best friend. i'm her best friend. that just fucks me up man. she's not my fucking best friend. i hate the way she makes me cry so much. it just pisses me off. and now they are all laughing at our dining table. mitchell is being such a bastard. i mean, i always, fuckin always give in to him n dei when they wanna talk.

james sent me a parcel today. all my wrapping paper from WA Salvage, the seashells i collected from Busselton. and those black bracelet thingys.. and, AND a nice long letter. handwritten and smelling remotely of his aftershave. *sigh* i miss him. i love him. and that's what worries me. this feeling of susceptibility to my surroundings; to everything. i just wanna club. i just wanna travel and party and never have to worry about anything. at least that's what i want right now.jus go into a huuuge club in uk or melbourne( pris goes to some electronica clubs there i think) or ibiza. id looove to go to ibiza. i can't wait to be rich n livin on my own. do my own thing. without the need to share a fuckin room with siblings. i mean.. i wanna paint my room red. and i want to hang up my disco ball on the ceiling. have a nice tall sturdy shelf for my great collection of books. and a laptop. i soooo want my own pc so i dont have to fuckin kill the person using it everytime i need it.

you know what? mom n dad are prob gonna let dei study in aust. and she says im spoilt. IM SPOILT? im fucking pissed thats bloody what! i didn't even get to go to lasalle to study arts management. and now that iv found the only uni in australiasia offering it as a degree, mom n dad may still not let me go. hate being repressed. hate being restricted. im so upset. im so upset its ridiculous. i really really need a fuck. or like a reeeally good, totally engulfing, time consuming book to read.

huh.asshole.

i was talking to my classmate today( ohh thats another thing, my classmates are so weird.) and she was talking abt all her mates who she hangs out with. i have no one. no one. everyone i used to know has changed. and so drastically too. i dunno, i dunno maybe it's just me. i don't feel like sharing myself with anyone at all. and yet i need some sort of relationship; some sort of dependancy. or confidante. (mom ordered new curtains) . i really wish pris was in singapore. honestly.. i can't talk to no fucking one. i used to be so close to ret but now it seems i don't know her. at all. or even didi.. i dunno, i dunno when i thought these people would be sufficient to fill this void in my life. and i miss jac so much but im always bi=usy and maybe, maybe i stopped putting in effort a long time ago. for everyone. i speak to mich sometimes. for fun for entertainment. a shoulder to cry on. she usually is the first person i call of late. if something is troublin me and things are bad. it once used to be sarah. sophia even. but i hear so much about her and i only wonder how much of the world i was knew has remained the same. i keep getting the feeling like iv done this all before and its sort of a sick mind boggling game someone powerful is playing on me. i faintly remember once, confiding in rozita. all of which seems so long ago.

tania spoke to me yest. its been what, months? and all she wanted to do, to gain, was information abt james. how shallow is that. i cant believe we're related; it disgusts me. apparently, my extended family is not only superficial but a bunch of gossips as well.

why isn't james ard when i need him most. i feel so drained. i could soo go with some white wine or champagne right now. just have one tall cool glass and go to bed. get up relatively early tm( or not get up at all) and start gettin ready for school.

my feet hurt. like uber bad. they're all crampy and tired. and its not like i was even in heels. damn, tomorrow is deis' matyes' party. and i actually was lookin forward to it. to party. cos i haven't. for so long. since middle of last month. it fucking doesnt feel like xmas to me. maybe i shld just commit suicide on xmas eve and invite najib and michelle anyway; just for the fun of it. at least that way, i wont have to worry abt whether my guests like the pasta i cooked. im tired.
i give up. i cant do this anymore. i..

:: krys Monday, December 13, 2004 [+] ::
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