:: what title ::

:: Wednesday, September 03, 2003 ::

i have so much to say...so much.i want to blurt,no,scream it out and yet i somehow feel if i dont repeat the words out loud, they will eternally be engraved in my mind.pris called you know.i want to keep that memory forever.she made the effort to walk toward e phone and dial my number..we've been communicating quite a bit and im really glad.i think im really glad.i still care for her.A LOT.thats why iv deciced not to like anybody till..till ya la..till its meant to be.im still suffering from emotional immaturity!for crying out loud!im only sixteen.but then again i could be dead tomorrow...

and although i feel so much,i feel nothing at the same time.i don't know if thats caused my all my emotions being spent on her that i can no longer feel anythin.OR..is is just that i am stagnant somewhere in my subconciousness and iv found a spot that's all too comfortable to move from so i remain there..and not face reality.and live in dreams.live in this colourful flurry of emotions.in this little theatre where all is possible and i live for nothing but pleasure.selfish indulgence!Oh am i nothin but a HEDONIST> not sure bout what i think anymore.i dont even trust my own senses..like if i see something?love something/ someone..seeing is believing?thats bullshit.

sometimes i question everything.as in EVERYTHING.like HIM and all..am i going mad?how dare i insult my faith this way?and doubt HIS love?All i want is to believe and love what i believe in.Jesus.Jesus please help me because i need you most right now and i cant do this on my own..

like when i get that feeling i dont belong;not in the room,not in the building.and its times like those i want to dissolve into my own blood and disappear.and i want to go to the furthest bit of the world but still that is not far enough.even the furthest star isn't far enough.

the other day,i was reading and i cried when the book ended.i fear i am morphing into a bloody extremist.its always about life and religion nowadays.why cant i not care?why cant i want to not care.to be indifferent and oblivious.shallow?yes.But o so simple..TRUTH?i want to cry because im looking for so many answers yet i cannot comprehend the questions i have inside me. these questions that burn against my skin from within.i just dont know how to phrase them.no worldly statement would be sufficient to explain all these flashes of images and sounds inside me.i want to get out and get in at the same time..

i look up at the half moon now and wonder,"How many people die alone tonight as they share this shimmering moment with me?"

you know who
:: krys Wednesday, September 03, 2003 [+] ::
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