:: what title ::

:: Tuesday, July 15, 2003 ::

ho..
i din go skool todae either.called pris last nite.today she is seventeen.haiz.we argued again.and i asked her why she never calls n she said its cos we always end up arguin anyway.i mean,the reason i lose my temper with her is cos she is NEVER wrong..she said dont ever think she disregards me just cos she's in aussie.n that she didn't forget me n she will always love me n ya.its always me thats AT FAULT N THAT JUST FUCKIN PISSES ME OFF BALLS.she said she finds it easy to be friends with me..and she wants to know if i can deal with that or has it gotta be like IT or nothin at all for me.haiz i also dunno..i guess its easier for her(im assumin here..) cos this isn't her first relationship n she noes how to cope with this kinda thing but alas.im completely lost n i dont even know what i want anymore.and at e end of the conversation,i said i love u to her n she just said bye n hung up.n it felt weird after that..cos i know i shouldn't have said that..n i know if she had said it then we never will get over each other.yepyep..and it felt wrong..sayin i love you to her..i think i just miss her la..i know this is all a phase n il grow outta it and what nots..but it felt weird.like a sense of rejection n guilt.

i went for marions 1st yr anni mass.den we went fer prayers at her place..*sigh* den last night i had a dream ko died in thailand.i was so fuckin upset man.i think i was cryin in my sleep.its scary when things like that happen.o shit i owe mrs siva some edusave forms..

haiz..a.aggie disappeared again..she's gotta settle some stuf la.this is really hard man..i feel like i just wanna get out.. there's a lot of things i just wanna leave behind or like ignore for the time being.i know that won't help solve the problems but i need tiime to figure stuf out first n get e contents(or lack of) in my head a lil more sorted out.then,when im ready il come back to all this bullcrap.you know..i was wonderin,why do i feel so inadequate or like i need someone around me..and pris asked me the exact same thing.she said why do people our age need this kind of intimacy or to be in a relationship.i have to admit..as much as i enjoy being independant,it is a brilliant feeling knowing someone u love in that way loves you back.im a hopeless romantic,a sucker for love.i still believe true love exists.maybe not for me la..but im sure some experienced it or are experiencing it now.call it hopeful.or maybe just plan naive huh.

i seem to be looking for something in life.some kind on meaning or significance but i fail to find answers.could it be im just lookin in all the wrong places or maybe the answers haven't even been created.yet.

iv been reading the bible.almost evryday i think.actually im either doing that or sleeping or thinking about life.i seem to have lost all will to study.os are so close yet i feel iv already been defeated by some other kind of force.n i feel abandoned.maybe cos ko n dei both are miles n miles away.ma n i seem to be fighting all the time.i dont know why.it takes to hands to clap.its like, i thought now that im e only child at home she'll be sayang-ing me more cos she misses e other two but she seems so sour n angry all the time.and i remember trying to talk to her about dominic several times.she seems totally oblivious to my pain.its not that i dont try.maybe thats why im so scared of opening up to her.there are instances when i feel im about to burst n can just tell her i love(d) pris or that iv kissed jac or that my entire sec two year was dedicated to dreaming over jc instead of studying.n then she changes the topic as quick as a zip n those ideas float away like dandelions bits

iv been thinkin of killing myself.this isn some desperate cry for attention.treat this info as e norm cos i just wanna get all this outta my system ok.thats all.*cries* i wonder where we all o after death.and what is the purpose of life if we all return to the earth.return to the ground we were all made of.

dust.

haiyo i really have an urge to clean my com keyboard.k,gtg already i think.i have to bathe.and study..hahaa i duno how many times iv said il study but i never do.i end up sleeping or..haiz nvm la..

question of the day:if you could ask HIM* one thing,what would it be?

peace im out,
krystle eva -85-

*figure who im talkin abt rite?trying not to take on blasphemy as a habit.
:: krys Tuesday, July 15, 2003 [+] ::
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